This (not so) little light of mine....

I had an epiphany the other day. I was house sitting with a good friend at her sister's place. We shared the same room and bed. (A little bit of background - I've been in survival mode for most of my life i.e. no wasting of resources as times are hard.) In the morning she put her bedside lamp on and carried on about her business. I got up and started looking for clothes in my bag for the day. I remember trying to figure out what was in my bag with the little light that I had for fear (or caution or apprehension or stupidity) of switching my light on as that would (I felt) waste electricity. Then I thought to myself 'myself? what if I switched on my lamp? I'd see much better'. Then I had a light bulb moment (pun here... get it? Ha!) I have spent the better part of my life in someone's shadow, trying to boost someone else and I remain in the shadow. It seemed like the right thing to do and it IS the right thing to do but it has been to my detriment. If I live off someone else's light then I'll be scrounging for crumbs whereas if I switch on my light I will have the opportunity to see clearer and find exactly what I want to 'wear' and be much more satisfied. It also strenuous on the other person as they may find themselves having to stretch out their light so that I can also see. But if I decide to put on my light, live off my light (not in a selfish way but the way I was destined) then I would be living my purpose. Most of all the world would not crumble because I switched on my light. The world would carry on. I'm not the world's saviour. I'm not Jesus, He got that part down. There's no need for me to take over. Come to think of it, its a bit condescending to think that others will not survive if I decided to switch on my light. Its selfish and condescending.

If that made sense, great! If it didn't - tough.

This episode of the ramblings of mother larder was brought to you by properasskickingmomentsexperiencedinjohannesburgbringingaboutclarity.

Speak to you soon

ML
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Shoes...

Larders

About three months ago I bought the most stunning pair of shoes that I have owned to date. Problem is I can't wear them without falling and ankles threatening to break. They are so high! I have never worn them out of the house because literally take 10 steps and I fall. Now these shoes form part of an outfit that I want to wear for a family wedding I will be attending in September. You may think to yourself "come on Mother Larder, September is so far just practise wearing the damn shoes!". I agree with you whole heartedly. The problem lies with the fact that I have now developed somewhat of a fear of wearing these shoes. To the normal person they may look fine but until I moved to JHB wearing heels was an occasional thing. In JHB heels are a must for any girl. And the higher the better. Your wardrobe forms part of your resume. So in order to be relevant and have a competitive edge in the job sector I need to look the part. Plus there's nothing that screams HOT! like a killer pair of heels.

And so begs the question? How do I get over my fear of these shoes? I don't know but I need to get over it and fast.

Here are some pics of the shoes plus some outfits from thrifting!!

Till later
Xo
Mother Larder
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Amazeballs...

Really?! Who the eff came up with that?! Please stop saying that. Its annoying. The word is AMAZING hot dang it!!

Thanks

ML
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Florence and The Machine

Larders

There's a song by Florence and the Machine that goes "sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air...sometimes I feel like saying Lord I just don't care". Winter is my least favourite season and it constantly proves itself to be a punk. Not only is it so cold that I feel like my fingers will fall off but its also the most challenging season in all spheres i.e. spiritually, emotionally and financially.

Last Friday I was so stressed my knot (just under my left shoulder blade) was so painful my back, arm and neck were also paining. I also could not really turn my neck. But somehow after sleeping it off, I woke up Saturday knowing that God is going to make a way where there seems to be no way. He has to because I have no other option but to depend on him.

Friends and family are also going through very trying times and I wish I could be there to help them but all I can do is pray for them. Like the song goes "this too shall pass" and I refuse to give up. Nothing worthwhile ever came easily. Plus Summer will come again in 4 months:))

I went to the gym yesterday for the first time since I made the big move. Let me start with the changing rooms.... They are so pretty! Its dark wood and hair dryers everywhere and gorgeous showers and there are TVs tuned in to SKY news and CNN. I felt so intelligent walking out. The lighting was blue tho. Felt a little like a porn set. Weird.

The rest of the gym is nice and small and cozy which I love. But there are waaaaay too many people. When I gym I don't want to be bumping into Jack, Jill and Heidie. (No, I'm not fussy at all)

Then there was my first Zumba class.... Ever heard of the phrase "white man can't dance"? Well I felt like a deaf, blind, partially paralyzed white man in there. Everyone was in sync except me! I'm black dang it! I should have rythm! But I'll be damned! When they were cha-cha-ing to the left I was hopping to the right. When they were grapevining, I was spinning. I was HOPELESSLY lost. My ultimate was that all the people in the class were thin, happy and pretty! I wanted to projectile vomit on them. Ugh. Stupid happy people. I guess I'm a sucker for punishment coz I'm going again tmro for more.

Have a lovely week!

Chat soon.

Ps. My new favourite past time is thrifting. A friend of mine bout this skirt for me for R20 (which is about 2 american dollars?). I LOVE the buttons on the skirt! Praise the Lord for dead folk who donate their stuff. (Yes. Yes. I know, that was insensitive. Get over it)
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Lets hear it for Jozi!!

Beautiful Larders

Been a while. Believe me I have missed you more than the dessert misses the rain! (ok, flow of the day done).

Nothing much to report on except I MOVED TO THE ECONOMIC HUB OF SOUTH AFRICA!!! I am now a joburger!  i made the move a little over three weeks ago. I was unsure of my move until i got here. I still pinch myself from time to time because I never in a million years thought I would reside here. I have a gracious friend who encouraged me to quit my job in East London and come live with her until I am on my feet. I tell you the truth if you ever have a friend like that... keep them, they are the real deal. Living with each other has not been smooth sailing as we are soooo different in many respects but its been more than a blessing to me.

I have been trying get used to the completely different lifestyle. First of all - the crime! Two weeks after I moved here I witnessed someone being hijacked. Now, I had a healthy degree of paranoia living in East London but now I am constantly on edge and I hate it. sometimes I manage to convince myself that a pice of paper floating in the air is secretly a tissue with chlorofoam to  make me unconscious so 'they' can hijack me (whoever 'they' are). Secondly - the traffic! MY GOSH! I am very blessed to not have to be in traffic alot but I have to leave the house at 7am! this is so I can avoid traffic. My work is about 7 kilometers from home but it can take up to 45 mins to get to work if I do not time myself. Thirdly - the driving! In East London if u said a place was around the corner, it literally meant that. Here, people say something is around the corner and 20 mins later u r still on the road! On the upside though I can play more than one song while on the road.

I did not expect to be so homesick. A few times I wondered if Imade the right decision and every time I'd get to the same conclusion.....HELL YES. I have no idea what will transpire in the next few months and I love that! The opportunities here are limitless. The only thing that needs to change about me is that I need to embrace more of a hustling attitude. This is it. This is life. People are looking after their own and I need to do me. The one thing that JHB needs though is the beach. I miss my impromptu walks at the beach.

I have not been to the gym for at least two months and I can feel it. I have a ton of admin to get through and first on my list was to let you know that I'm alive but busy.

I have a great deal of supporters cheering me on and I thank you all so much. Without your encouraging words I would have sold myself to the Marsians. I need a back massage from stress...any takers?

Lets chat soon.

Much love.
xo
Mother Larder

This S. is real!

Larders

Been a while. Been a roller coaster! The last month and a half has been just sweat, blood, tears and changes. So far I have lost a total of 4 kgs. Feels AH MAZING to finally report that. I think I have lost about 1% of body fat - which is most important to me.

I have 5 weeks before I go to a wedding to Johannesburg and I would like to lose 5kgs! This sh1t gets real from today. The last three days have been an eating fest (I feel horrible for even saying that) and haven't been able to exercise because of my knee and pulled muscle. Its been a challenge to walk!

So, things to achieve this year:

-Lose 44kg's
-Move to JHB
-Sort my education out at UNISA
-Start paying for my holiday end of 2014

But for this week, my only goal is to work wake up 4 times at 4.45am and lose 1,5kgs.

On the emotional side. Its been really rough. I cannot shake the deep sadness of missing my mother. My first instinct is to push my feelings aside but I'm facing the pain head on. So much about me is changing and I love it. 2013 is proving to be an awesome year. Praise the Lord for all of this.

Till tomorrow

Xo
Mother Larder
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Untitled

Sometimes the reality of death hits me so hard that its like I've been winded. Last week I thought I should call my mother as I hadn't spoken to her in a long while then I realised the awkwardness of that situation. Today at the shop I saw a woman who had the same hairstyle, my heart quickened...then reality punched me in the gut.

Today I read that pain doesn't go away but you learn to live with it.

Xo
ML
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